When couples struggle to survive an affair, they may select care as a choice. At first there’s relief because they feel just like the consultant understands their heartache and can honestly help them. What may very well surprise them nonetheless, is the sensation they’re moving two steps forward and one step back.
Leaving a session may make them feel as though they have the tools and are headed straight for success, only to be sidelined for days by unexpected emotional turmoil. This phenomenon has been called a roller coaster, but might be more accurately described as a dance with anger. When the partners arrive for therapy, what they might not get is that three people actually show up for the appointment. Just two wear skin, but the third is just as real and influential: anger.
Researchers are only now recognizing the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms, including anger, the betrayed partner experiences following the discovery of an affair. The fury may be displayed through anger outbursts or concealed away, however it is always at work impacting the direction care will take. Will the consultant help the partners discuss the factors that made the marriage ready for the affair, or will the focus be on the trauma experienced by the deceived member of the relationship? Anger will decide.
The betraying spouse may be unable to identify her own anger in the initial sessions as she might be working very tough to continue managing anger and not further offend the partner she deceived. By ignoring her fury nonetheless, she is not coping with anger. In ignoring anger, she ignores the disappointment, disapproval, and antagonism that led to her to justifying, minimizing, and executing a successful affair. If the consultant fails to recognize her angriness in session, he may leave her in the same highly emotional situation.
In cheating recovery, outrage must be identified and met head on by all participators in therapy. Ignoring outrage doesn't make it go; it only makes it a much more powerful dance partner.
Doctor. Kate Walker is a licensed professional counselor in the Woodlands, Texas. Her article discusses coping with anger and managing anger when counseling couples that are recovering from cheating.