Executive coach and author Marshall Goldsmith wrote, “Feedback is a gift that only other can give.”  What makes it so difficult for so many of us to give and receive feedback if that is the case?
Much of the difficulty people have with feedback is actually about power. Our motive may be to control people if we give feedback to someone. Our resistance to receiving feedback is possibly a resistance to change. 

Before handing out feedback, it can be helpful to clarify the reason for it.  Below are the five most common types of feedback and suggestions for giving each type. 

Evaluation Feedback: This is the feedback type that is found the most in the workplace.It’s also the least helpful. Evaluation feedback comes at the end. At the end of a year your performance is evaluated. The end of the week-long class. The end of a project.  True, evaluation feedback will improve how we do it the next time, and we all need to be willing to rate ourselves.  But why not give and get feedback when we can learn from it real time?

Real-Time Performance Feedback: This type of feedback generally comes from a boss or someone whose own success depends on you.  While it may be couched as an observation or something for you to think about, when someone shares performance feedback, they intend for you to change your behavior.

When you sense that someone is trying to give performance feedback, it may help you both to get very clear.  Try asking, “what exactly would you like me to stop or start doing?” And once you hear what they have to say, be willing to change!

Fine-Tuning: With this type of feedback, you generally are hearing from someone who is very satisfied with the job you are doing, but see some areas where you can improve even more. One of the best examples I can give of fine-tuning feedback came from someone who participated in a course I gave.  She asked me if she could share some feedback after she told me how much she had enjoyed the course.  She shared that when I nodded my head while listening to people in the audience, it made her feel as though I was rushing.  WOW!  This blew me away because I had no idea that my behavior was having this negative impact.

The key to giving fine-tuning feedback is to share the impact a behavior has on you or others.  The person giving the feedback is not necessarily interested in controlling you, or even changing you. By sharing how your behavior is impacting them – they give the receiver the opportunity to change or not.

Feed-Forward: Goldsmith came up with this one years ago. It involves making suggestions before, rather than waiting for them to fail at something and giving negative feedback later. A great example of this type of feedback is when my husband gave his first presentation to the executive leaders in his company.  His boss coached him in advance as to the proper way to dress, when he would be expected to speak, and even how detailed to make his presentation.

Slap Upside the Head: Two years ago, a colleague who is also a great friend sat me down and said, “You are making yourself and others miserable.  What’s the deal?”

This is the kind of feedback that only great friends can give.  It is very personal feedback that should only be shared because you care about someone and are concerned. In his book, Who’s Got Your Back, Keith Ferrazzi gives some great examples of this feedback along with the assertion that we all desperately need people in our lives who care enough to give it.

The person who gives slap upside the head feedback isn’t trying to control you or change you for their sake. The feedback is given because they understand your personal goals and see how your behavior is keeping you from reaching those goals.
Summary
Those giving feedback:  Think through before giving feedback what the most appropriate form would be to achieve the intention you have for it.Remember that if you are not in a position of authority, evaluation feedback is not appropriate.  You can lead a horse to water . . .

Those on the receiving end of feedback:  remember that we are all unaware of how we come across at times, and feedback is the way we learn about these areas and have the opportunity to correct them.   View the feedback as a gift, even if you decide you don’t agree with it. If it’s evaluation or performance feedback, you have a chance to change in order to do better in the eyes of others.  If it’s fine-tuning or slap upside the head feedback, you have the choice to change or not.

Wendy Mack is a consultant, speaker, and change catalyst who specializes in helping leaders mobilize energy for change, For more articles and resources on leading and communicating change visit: www.WendyMack.com.